


Break Through the Shame

by dovingbird



Series: A Sinful Self-Discovery [1]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Destroying Slut Shaming, F/M, New Sexual Partner, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Polyamory Negotiations, Polyamory Worries, Vibrators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 03:48:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6268381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dovingbird/pseuds/dovingbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As Suzy tries to adjust to her newly polyamorous marriage with Arin and copes with the frustration of feeling jealous over Arin's new relationship with Danny, she finds a kindred lonely soul in Brian and his own resignation about Danny. They come together in an unexpected way, and Suzy is forced to fight with many age old social constructs still inside of herself as she comes to terms with what she wants both from herself and her potential new relationships.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Break Through the Shame

"Need any more help, babe?"  
  
Suzy glances over her shoulder from where she's working on laying the finishing touches of the casserole she needs to bake. "Hmm? Oh, no, pretty much done here." She grins at Arin. "Thanks for your help."  
  
"No problem." Arin stands a little straighter, then turns his head to look toward the living room. "So, uh. I might. Go take Dan to look at some of our new shit in the uh-"  
  
"Baby," she stage whispers, "you don't need to give me any excuses. It's okay."  
  
"Cool!" He gives her a thumbs up, turns to leave, then thinks better of it and slides over in his sock feet to give her a loud and enthusiastic kiss. "Muah! You're amazing. Love you so fucking much."  
  
She can't help but laugh. "Yeah, yeah." She waves him off as he practically sprints out of the kitchen. "Love you too!"  
  
Things haven't been... _weird,_ necessarily, since she gave Arin her blessing to start dating Danny. Just different. Just interesting, suddenly learning to share more of her time with him. It isn't like she hasn't been doing that for years - no different than when he and Jon started Grumps up anyway - but it's different now. Tasting someone new on Arin's lips. The affectionate trace of Arin's fingers over her shoulder at the office that moves right onto Danny after her. Smelling the musk of sex on him some nights when he comes home a little late.  
  
She likes to think she doesn't get jealous, that she's strong and aware of the level of their commitment and the promise of their love so that she'd never feel that acidic tinge in her gut. But she does.  
  
Only sometimes.  
  
She's pouring herself a glass of juice when she hears soft footsteps on the kitchen floor. "Snacks?" she says instinctively. "Dinner will be maybe an hour?"  
  
"No thank you."  
  
She isn't expecting it to be Brian, and she smooths her hair over her shoulder as she peeks over it with a smile. "They abandon you too?"  
  
He huffs a single laugh. "A bit." Brian clicks the t a little harder than he should as he crosses to stand next to her. He lifts his eyebrows as he leans toward the cabinet holding the cups, and she nods in permission, so he takes down the first cup he sees. "More like they were groping each other's asses in the living room while I was on Twitter but wouldn't let me snap a picture. Tragic."  
  
"You don't believe in nice things like privacy?" she teases as she slides the carton of juice over.  
  
Brian eyes her, and the long-suffering in his gaze is heavy enough to make her snort and cover her mouth to try to hide it. "Sorry, have we met?"  
  
"Fair enough."  
  
It's quiet as he pours himself a glass and puts the juice away, then as he leans back against the counter and swirls it in the glass as if it's wine, and it takes Suzy a moment to realize that she's watching him, that he's simply staring into space as he takes a drink. When he finally flicks his eyes over to meet hers she looks away and considers hiding behind her glass.  
  
Brian is still such an anomaly. It was easy knowing small stories about him from London, hearing Danny talk about him constantly, occasionally seeing him on Skype when Dan and Arin were ironing out Starbomb lyrics. But having him around? Seeing him working in the office and commandeering their streams, including him in a dinner invitation, all of that? It's just as strange as seeing Dan and Arin trade a quick pop kiss in front of her. And she's still not sure what to do with him, to be quite honest.  
  
"You... _are_ okay with them, right? Being together like they are." he asks softly.  
  
Suzy immediately smiles and looks down at the floor as she nods. "Yeah, absolutely." But there's something about Brian's subsequent silence that makes her amend the statement. "I mean. Most of the time."  
  
"Mm." He takes another drink. "When is it hard, if you don't mind me asking?"  
  
She's never been asked that before. Barry had been concerned, yes, but he accepted her assurance easily, and Ross was more concerned about the astronomical amount of money they were spending on condoms now that Arin and Danny were doing buttstuff. So she considers her words before she says them, leaning toward honesty more out of surprise than anything. "I think...it's when he stays over with Danny. Those nights are always the roughest. Like...I'm so used to falling asleep next to him that it's just as lonely as when he's off at a con or something. But it's different. Like, knowing that it's not a job thing, that he made the choice to go and stay with someone other than me? Yeah. That's...that's the hardest sometimes."  
  
Brian nods. For a long moment he's quiet. And just when she's ready to start backpedaling he murmurs "Think what's hardest for me...is how rarely I hear from him now."  
  
She stays silent.  
  
"I think I heard from him more in London than I do now. And knowing that it's because he is calling Arin with his problems, his dreams, his jokes, when he used to call me with all that? That's...the hardest for me."  
  
Suzy stares at him, at the sharp angles of his profile. She never thought somehow that he'd get it too, that he'd be facing that same feeling of abandonment sometimes. But then a thought occurs to her, and her eyes widen. "So are you and Danny...?"  
  
He meets her eyes, quiet and solid. "Are we...what?"  
  
Brian's used to making Danny blushy and giggly with just one or two lines. He feeds on that playful discomfort, on pushing people outside of their comfort zones and making them say what's on their mind. But he's not used to Suzy yet either, and that's why she's not afraid to lift her chin a little more and very clearly ask "Are you two together?"  
  
Brian purses his lips in thought. "...no. Not really."  
  
"What does _that_ mean?" she asks. She backs away through the kitchen, eyes staying on Brian, and he only hesitates a moment before he begins following her to the living room, where they plop down on a couch.  
  
"He..." Brian hesitates, narrowing his eyes, then sighs. "He cares about me. But not enough to have a relationship beyond what we have."  
  
That's confusing to her, when she's used to her and Arin having such massive hearts that they love everyone a little too much, not a little too little. "So you asked?"  
  
Brian meets her eyes, then looks over his shoulder for a few seconds to assure they're alone before he leans in and drops his voice. "Who wouldn't ask when you spend the night together your first night in California for good?"  
  
Oh. That's...it's not as surprising as it should be, maybe, but she still hums in sympathy. "So you want to be with him?"  
  
"I want him to be happy." He thumbs back toward the hallway where Arin and Dan are no doubt making out behind a closed door. "That makes him happy."  
  
"He could probably be happy with both of you, though, if he's just convinced he has to make a choice?" Suzy cocks her head to the side. "I mean, if he spent the night with you and all, that sort of means he has to care at least enough to _start_ something, right?"  
  
"Some people can't handle both," he says, voice still so soft she can barely hear it. "Some people don't experience a lot of romantic attraction as it is. And maybe some of those people would rather not feel stretched between two or more people if they can avoid it."  
  
Once again, a foreign concept for her, but she fights to wrap her head around it. "I still don't think-"  
  
"Suzy, I don't want to sound rude, but I've known Dan many more years than you have." He sits back a bit and keeps that perfectly calm expression, like he isn't talking about potential heartbreak, like he's talking about his grocery list. "And I know him better than I know my own mind. And I'm glad to see him happy."  
  
She wiggles until she's sitting back against the couch arm, the glass of juice cold against her stomach. "Doesn't mean you should be unhappy, though."  
  
He laughs softly and shakes his head. "I'm not unhappy. Just getting used to the idea." Brian meets her eyes again. "I've wanted what I knew I probably couldn't have for years, and now that it's perfectly clear that I won't have it I'm learning to accept it. It isn't the first time. Certainly won't be the last."  
  
The thought sounds so senseless to her, so hopeless, resigning yourself to a life of never quite getting the full happiness that you want. She lives her life to the fullest. If she has a lean toward an interest, she tries it. If she loves a little too much, she drowns in it. She might not be as energetic about it as Arin, but she feels just as passionate as he does for everything in her life.  
  
"Do me a favor," Suzy says. "Next time things feel the hardest and loneliest for you...text me?"  
  
For the first time his expression breaks, brow furrowing for just a second before he regains that calm composure. But there's something in his eyes. Uncertainty. It feels like he's watching her just a little too hard when he nods. "Only if you do the same for me."  
  
She doesn't know if she can promise that. She barely knows him, in many ways, not like she knows the rest of her friends and coworkers, and just the thought of potentially bothering him is a little off-putting. "I'll try."  
  
"No no," he says with a small quirk of his lips. "That's not what I said."  
  
Ass. She chuckles and looks down. "Fine. Okay. I will."  
  
"Say it again. Louder."  
  
"Shut up," she fires off just as quickly, sticking her tongue out at him like a real adult and not someone fourteen years younger than Brian. "I'm gonna go check on the food," she says as she gets up and heads back toward the kitchen.  
  
"It's not ready yet!" he calls out. "Stop using a convenient excuse! Louder!" And she flips him off behind her back, not quite able to stop from smiling when she hears him laugh.  
  
~~  
  
It takes three days before Arin decides he's gonna go spend the night at Dan and Barry's, and Suzy is...she's not sure how she feels about it. There's a low simmering jealousy in her gut when she thinks of Arin and Danny being able to curl up in bed together while she's cold in her bed alone, trying to wrap around some stuffed animal for comfort.  
  
And what kind of polyamorous wife does that make her, anyway? That's what she and Arin are now, right? Polyamorous? She's pretty dang sure they're supposed to be able to adjust to these changes easily, especially since they both know that neither of them is going anywhere, that they're committed for life.  
  
But there's still that sharp bite of pain in her chest. One that seeks distraction. So she pursues it as best as she can.  
  
There's a few dishes not washed. She handwashes them. There's a load of laundry to do. She tosses it in the washer. She plays with Mimi and Mochi for a good twenty minutes straight before she realizes she's just going through the motions while thinking about how vibrantly Danny can make Arin laugh. And that in and of itself isn't a bad thing - she sometimes feels a bright sense of happiness and pride, seeing how well Dan adjusts himself to Arin and meets him where he needs to be met when he needs a distraction - but there's the fact that they're doing that right now, laughing and being together and carrying on, and Suzy's here alone.  
  
So why does she feel a little guilty when she thinks about Brian's tit-for-tat proposal following her offer?  
  
She pulls her phone out as Mimi continues batting at the feathery toy, and Suzy stares at the screen for a long few seconds before she unlocks it. No harm in texting Brian, seeing how he is.  
  
_"How's your night going?"_ Easy enough, right? Not too desperate for attention. Not too clear that she's suffering over here. She clicks her tongue and calls Mochi in for snuggles and pets while she waits for what she assumes will be quite a while before someone as busy and sophisticated as Brian will text her back.  
  
She's wrong. It takes less than a minute before her phone's vibrating in her hand. _"Abysmally,"_ Brian's replied, and she watches the little text bubble appear as he continues typing. _"Imagine yours must be the same if you're texting me."_  
  
There's a bite of guilt at that. _"Or maybe I just wanted to say hi?"_  
  
_"You never text me to say hi."_  
  
Solid and to the point. And it's true, she can't deny it isn't. She'd call Brian an acquaintance, a friend-of-a-friend. They work together. She's made props for some of Ninja Sex Party's videos. She'd been in the room for a moment back in the day when Dan was talking to him over Skype. Brian's been over to her house, namely with Dan for company, more than once. She wouldn't be opposed to him being her friend, but...how to get there? She's never been good at just bridging distances and starting a friendship.  
  
_"You could've texted me too, you know,"_ she replies.  
  
Long pause before he starts typing. _"Touche."_  
  
She doesn't know how to reply to that. It might sound easy to bring up the elephant in the room, the reason why they're texting in the first place, but it's not. She huffs and rests her forehead on her arm, closing her eyes.  
  
She isn't expecting another text, but there it is, making her tilt her head and squint to read it. _"Want some company?"_  
  
A rush of relief floods through her. _"Definitely."_  
  
_"I'll be there soon."_  
  
Suzy sets her phone down and simply rests on the floor for a moment, considering what exactly is going to happen tonight. Should she queue up a movie? Make some snacks really fast? She'd pour Brian a drink in case he wants to vent about Danny, but she and Arin don't keep a drop of alcohol in the house unless they're planning to cook with it. There are other more intrusive thoughts nudging at her brain - _But what if- How about you- What if he-_ \- and she cuts them off before they can fully form.  
  
She's not gonna be like that. Like what they want her to think about, to imagine. She's _not._  
  
Snacks it is. Suzy goes to the kitchen to whip up a few tiny sandwiches, focus tight on them, somehow even ignoring how the two tiny cats brush against her legs demanding attention and a possible tiny scrap of ham. And by the time she has the food placed artfully on a plate, even a little toothpick with colored cellophane in each one, she's hearing a knock at the door.  
  
She opens it and for a moment stares at Brian, how he stands rubbing the back of his neck with one hand and the other tucked away in his pocket, and when he gives her a small smile she snaps out of it. "Hey, thanks for coming over," she says, flashing him a beaming smile of her own. Easy enough for a model to pull on without hesitation. "C'mon in!"  
  
"Of course." He enters and waits for her in the hallway to shut the door.  
  
Once it's locked and secure again she turns to look at him. Awkwardness hangs heavy over her, and she immediately starts looking for ways to stomp it down. "So how are you?"  
  
Brian's lips quirk. "I feel like we might've covered that already."  
  
"Right." The texts. Of course. "Right. Uh. Are you hungry?"  
  
He shrugs. "I could eat."  
  
"Cool!" She seizes the opportunity and marches down the hallway, hearing him follow almost silently behind her. "I made sandwiches!"  
  
When she presents them to him in the kitchen Brian snorts, covering his mouth with his fist, then looks up at her. "Seriously?"  
  
She blinks, lowering the plate. "What?"  
  
"How the hell do you make sandwiches look cute?" He chuckles and picks one up, investigating it. "Is that your specialty? Cute things?"  
  
Suzy sets the plate down just for the excuse to turn her back to him, to school her face again and not wonder too deeply at what he's implying. "I mean, if you count taxidermy as cute-"  
  
"Pretty sure everything you do is cute. _Especially_ stuffing dead animals."  
  
Okay, that didn't help. "Well, y'know...I try."  
  
"Don't think you have to try very hard."  
  
Suzy spins around, flashing a smile at Brian again. "So, uh...movie? Wanna watch something? Just chill?"  
  
Brian's lips quirk again, but he nods. "Mind if I get a drink while you set something up?"  
  
"No, please, go ahead, I'll just. I'll be in the living room."  
  
"All right."  
  
The second she's out of the kitchen she presses back against the wall for a moment. Okay. She's not gonna do this. She's not gonna...no, she's...FOCUS, Suzy. She takes a deep breath to center herself and presses on.  
  
She's safe from the thoughts for a good thirty seconds, long enough for her to pull up Netflix and start flipping through the anime, but the second Brian comes in and sits beside her on the couch - not a cushion away, not on the other couch, but _right next to her_ \- she hits the controller to start a random episode of a random series that she's not even paying attention to and just...gives in.  
  
Suzy has several observations regarding one Brian Wecht that she's never let herself consider for very long.  
  
Number one: Brian has nice eyes. It's obvious, right? They're that crystalline ice blue that so much of the population is fond of. But it's not just that. It's how steady he is in his gaze, locking them on someone and just _holding,_ not shifting, not wavering. How his eyebrows are so expressive and transmit the exact meaning of his look immediately.  How he isn't afraid to face a situation head on.  
  
Number two: Brian has a nice smile. He might not have the fullest lips or the most perfectly formed mouth, but pairing his smile with his eyes is dangerous. And a smirk? Something mischievous and challenging? Even worse. How can she resist a challenge like how he can throw around just in a single expression?  
  
Number three: Brian smells very nice. She's been aware of this since she met him for the first time, but it's more vivid right now, when he's too close, when all she can smell is the soft mild scent of his fabric softener paired with the spicier soap he used in the shower earlier.  
  
"Have you seen much of this?" he asks.  
  
Suzy forces herself to stare at the screen. She doesn't even know what it's called. "Nah."  
  
"I see."  
  
The fact that she's curious to know more observations about him is what's dangerous, though. It's not that she wouldn't be allowed to pursue those observations - the second that Arin started to pursue Danny in earnest, their discussions of polyamory became such a rapid reality that they'd been forced to establish clumsy ground rules that essentially said just about anything went. It's moreso that she fears getting too curious, too deep, too...anything, really.  
  
Because that's how the years have gone, isn't it? Suzy gets curious. Suzy loses her heart. Suzy ends up with her face pressed into Arin's chest trying to stop the tears as she tries to get over them.  
  
The silence starts killing her. She's pretty sure neither of them are watching this damn thing, that somehow Brian can tell what she's thinking, and when she turns her head to look at him he looks right back at her, like he could sense somehow when she was turning her head. "Do you ever..."  
  
Brian lifts a brow, waving one of his hands. "Go on."  
  
She's not actually sure what she was going to say, just started forming words to pretend this isn't awkward as hell, but she opens her mouth again anyway. "...ever get...jealous of them?"  
  
Silence. "Regarding what?"  
  
"You know, just. I don't know. What they have, I guess."  
  
Brian chuckles. "Suzy..."  
  
"What?" She sits a little straighter.  
  
"I mean...you realize you're a married woman asking the single guy if he's ever jealous of what your husband and my best friend have." He shakes his head. "You literally have some form of what they have."  
  
"But it's-"  
  
"It's what?" He blinks. "Different? You have a partner. You have someone who pledged his life to you. If anything-"  
  
"If anything," she goes on, a little sharper, "yes, it's different." She wiggles until she's sitting with her back against the couch arm, arms crossed over her chest, frowning at Brian. "They're...it's a new relationship, so they've got all that new happy energy going on. All they wanna do is spend time together. Instead of with us."  
  
Brian smiles. "Not used to that, are you?"  
  
"Are you?"  
  
"Do you know how many girlfriends Danny's had since he met me?"  
  
It doesn't matter if it's a fair point. It's still frustrating. She stares at the wall and lets the anime play behind them, conscious of Brian's eyes on her and too stubborn to give him the same attention she's drinking in from him. "It's just lonely," she finally says.  
  
There's a long moment of silence. And then she hears Brian shift. "I know it is. That's why I'm here, isn't it?"  
  
She flicks her eyes to his. So much for not giving him attention. "You're here to watch anime."  
  
"And...?"  
  
"That's, just, I'm...Brian." She takes in a sharp breath and feels her lips thin. "I didn't ask you over here for any funny business, okay, I just-"  
  
"I'm not saying you did," he's just as quick to say. "No, I don't think you invited me here like a black widow looking for prey, Suzy, but..." He trails off, eyes unfocusing for just a moment. "...all right. So here's the thing. You're lonely. I'm lonely. And I promise I'm not trying to take advantage of that. I'm just here to tell you that, if you're interested, I'm more than willing to kiss you."  
  
She bites her bottom lip, and she no doubt smears her lip gloss, but she could give less of a shit. She feels terribly young all of the sudden with Brian's eyes on hers, with his focus so intent but his face so kind. She feels like a teenager.  
  
But she knows that's not what he's trying to make her feel. He's treating her like an adult. He's offering her something to mediate the loneliness for a short time, not acting like she can't handle it. And for that she's grateful.  
  
She drops her eyes to his lips and takes a full look at them. She feels like she's about to take a sketch, like she has to memorizes the lift and shape of them, every angle that she can take in. Like this is the one chance she'll have. And Brian, he doesn't look away. He doesn't blush. He takes it like a model in front of a figure study class.  
  
Suzy leans forward. She braces herself with a hand on the seam of the cushion between them, and her fingers touch his thigh, make her lose her balance for just a moment as she shifts her touch until it's safe. Brian touches her shoulder to steady her and she feels her heart skip a beat before it starts pounding all over again.  
  
She hasn't kissed anyone but Arin in years.  
  
Brian's cheek is rough under her hand, covered in stubble, and she takes a deep breath to steel herself before she brushes their lips together.  
  
It's soft. Innocent. Chaste. Their lips don't even move against each other's. They hold there, warm and gentle, before Suzy pulls back and tries to catch the breath that's been dragged out of her lungs.  
  
Brian watches her tentatively. For the first time in the years she's been familiar with him, she realizes, he looks...nervous, like he's aware that he might've fucked something up. And God help her,  but she can't figure out if they did or not.  
  
"Okay?" he asks softly.  
  
She nods. "Okay," she whispers back.  
  
He stares a little longer, eyes dancing over her face, before he nods and sits back. She hadn't even realized that he'd leaned forward to meet her.  
  
She drags her eyes back to the screen and she's aware of Brian doing the same.  
  
She can still taste him on her mouth.  
  
~~  
  
It takes her until after Brian leaves for her to realize that he was in fact not offering just a kiss. He had been feeling out the ground between them, seeing if Suzy was curious about him, if she was lonely enough to crave something besides Arin, if she felt safe enough with Brian to possibly chase that with him.  
  
She considers it while drinking coffee that she has no right to be drinking so late, but fuck it, she's not sleeping tonight. She never sleeps well alone.  
  
Does she feel safe around Brian? He's never given her reason not to feel safe. He's an asshole, but so is her husband, and she's quite fond of assholes as long as they can stay on a schedule. He's picked up more work than she could ever have imagined asking him to do ever since he came on staff with the Grumps. He keeps morale up higher than it's been in a while. He's brilliant. And he's not a flirt - rather, not a sincere one. He'll play off of Danny to see him blush or tease Ross or Barry for the sake of a video, but when it comes right down to it he's constantly making sure that safe foundations are laid in stone. He'll push boundaries to see how strong they are, but he doesn't ever break them intentionally, and if he does he'll apologize for a solid two weeks before he's satisfied.  
  
She...likes Brian as a person. And it's a little alarming to realize that she could potentially like him more than that.  
  
It's three in the morning and she's hyped up on coffee and she does the one thing she can think of to do because this feels too monumental to wait until the sun rises.  
  
"Please tell me I didn't interrupt fucking" is the first thing she says when Arin answers the phone.  
  
He chuckles in that rough tone he gets when she's woken him up out of sleep. "Nah, that's, that part's done, you're good, babe."  
  
The good thing about having a mild crisis is that thinking about Danny fucking Arin doesn't make her jealous. Maybe she should have crises more often.  
  
"What's wrong? You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, no, I'm sorry to call so late, baby, I just..." Maybe she should've done this tomorrow. Maybe it wasn't worth it. She eyes her manicure disdainfully and tries to figure out if it's worth it to nibble on her nails and ruin them. "There's...I've got things going on in my head."  
  
"Yeah?" There's shuffling on the other end of the line, and she imagines him crawling out of bed and relocating to the living room, and she already feels a cool balm on her heart at the mere thought of her husband taking steps to make sure they can have their privacy. "You wanna talk about it?"  
  
"I think I need to," she says with a sigh. She curls her legs to her chest and tucks her feet under the warm sleeping Mimi. "So we agreed that we're in a polyamorous marriage now, right?"  
  
"Yes?" he says, drawing out the question.  
  
"And so you and Danny are boyfriends, and so if I found someone I was interested in I can just...go after it without checking with you before I make a move, right?"  
  
Silence. "Suzy, did you go out to a bar and meet a boy?"  
  
"No," she says with a giggle. "God, no, I'd fucking kill anyone who even looked at me in a bar, you know that. No, I meant that I...I might've..."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I kissed someone tonight."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Are you mad?"  
  
"What? No, I'm just really fucking surprised, shit. I didn't even know you had somebody coming over." More silence. "No, I'm not mad, babe. Who was it?"  
  
Brian's eyes flash through her mind and she feels her stomach flip. "It, umm. Brian."  
  
"Our Brian?!"  
  
"Baby, shh!" That's all she needs is for Danny to storm in and start interrogating her.  
  
"That's...okay, I'm sitting down now."  
  
Her stomach flips more. "You said you weren't mad."  
  
"Mad and about-to-pass-out-from-shock are very different things," he says with a quiet laugh that sounds just a little left of center. "I just...do you even like the guy?"  
  
She tucks her hair behind her ear and stares down at her feet, wiggling her toes under Mimi's fuzzy little belly. "I mean, I...ugh, Arin, I don't know. I don't even know how to have a crush on somebody besides you. Do you know how long I spent guilting myself if I ever started to?"  
  
"No, yeah, trust me, I know for sure," he says a little solemnly. Faces slide gently through her mind - Ross back when he and Arin were practically unknown, Jon when they first started getting together for Grumps, and Danny when he was still in his massively no homo phase. She remembers it all too well. "Okay, so walk through it with me. You invited him over tonight?"  
  
"More like he invited himself over," she says dryly. "He...he and I were both feeling...alone, I guess."  
  
Arin's quiet. "I'm sorry, babe. You could've called me earlier."  
  
"And interrupt your date?" The scandal in her voice isn't an act. "No way! I don't wanna bother you unless it's an emergency."  
  
"Yeah, okay, but you feeling sad _is_ an emergency."  
  
"I was fine. I wasn't sad. I don't think I was, at least."  
  
"But you were lonely?"  
  
"Yes, but so was Brian," she presses. "Because you were with Danny and Danny was with you and both Brian and I were alone. So it just...it kind of happened, I guess."  
  
"Is that how the kiss happened too?"  
  
She listens close, but she doesn't hear any judgment in his voice, and she feels the weight of guilt for ever feeling jealous in the first place. She fucking sucks at this polyamory thing, doesn't she? "Is kissing...a bad idea?"  
  
"No, baby, you can kiss whoever you want." Arin sighs. "I'm making you feel like shit, aren't I? Listen, I'm being a piece of shit. You don't need a reason to kiss anybody."  
  
She feels the weight tremble. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Absolutely," he presses. "It's your life, your body, your choices."  
  
"Yeah, but our relationship."  
  
"Our relationship isn't going anywhere because you kiss some fucking old guy."  
  
Her smile catches her by surprise and she ducks her head. "I dare you to call him old to his face."  
  
"I will. I'll do it Monday. Fuck it."  
  
Suzy giggles. She flops on her back and looks up at the ceiling. "I miss you, baby."  
  
"I know. I miss you too."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"What, are you surprised?"  
  
She covers her eyes with her free hand. "I-I, you've got Danny."  
  
"Doesn't mean I can't miss you, though," Arin says with that confidence that made her fall ever deeper in love with him, the confidence that the world is on his side and he can conquer anything he meets. "That's what it's all about. I can love you both, yeah?"  
  
She nods even though it makes her feel like a child - he can't see her, after all. "Yeah."  
  
"You okay now?"  
  
"Mm-hmm." When she rolls onto her side Mochi hops up onto the bed and comes to snuggle against her tummy, and she spoons his tiny body. "I think I can sleep now. Can we talk more about it later when you get home?"  
  
"Of course we can. I love you, baby."  
  
"Love you too, babe."  
  
They hang up and she tucks the phone under Arin's pillow and stares at the wall. When she flicks her tongue over her lips she swears she can still taste Brian there.  
  
~~  
  
A few things get determined when she and Arin get a chance to talk the next night. One, Arin apparently has a much higher tolerance for jealousy than Suzy does. Two, Arin absolutely wants to take her and Brian out on a double date with him and Danny. Three, Arin is extremely curious about what it would be like to have a foursome.  
  
He doesn't articulate that last part proudly, but she's been with him for too many years now not to be able to read it all over his tone.  
  
What _doesn't_ get determined is if Suzy actually has a thing for Brian or not, and she spends a lot more time than she's willing to admit trying to figure out if that's okay or not. Is it okay to kiss someone she doesn't know if she has feelings for beyond the tiniest crush? Is it okay to pursue something with someone just because she's lonely and he looks like he might be fun to kiss? Would she be comfortable letting it go anywhere further just as something casual?  
  
Arin's doing this polyamory thing right, after all, yeah? He's got an actual boyfriend. He's in a relationship, not swinging from partner to partner just because he can. How fucked up would it be if Suzy just fucked Brian because she could? Would that be slutty?  
  
And, for that matter, since when does Suzy give a shit if someone thinks she's doing something 'slutty' or not? Since when does that term even have a meaning to her?  
  
When she and Arin get to work on Monday she practically barrels through the office straight to the kitchen with the lunches she packed for both of them in hand. She hears Arin behind her kissing Danny, chatting up Ross and Barry, but she doesn't bother looking at anyone. She nearly drops the Tupperware when she sees Brian stirring cream into his coffee, when he looks up and meets her eyes and slows his spoon.  
  
He speaks first. "Good morning."  
  
"Good morning," she parrots back with one of those forced model smiles again. She breezes past him to the fridge and takes a long moment to lean inside of it, to pretend she's looking for the perfect place to put their lunch.  
  
"How was the rest of your weekend?"  
  
He's not pulling any punches, then. "Good. Fine. How was yours?"  
  
"It was all right."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Mm."  
  
She closes the fridge and looks at him. "Just all right?"  
  
His lips quirk and his eyes stay on his coffee. His fingers go back to stirring. "What's wrong with all right, Suzy?"  
  
"Not good? Not great? All right's worse than both of those."  
  
"Am I supposed to be constantly satisfied with my quality of life?" he says easily with that quick verbal gait he always has, the one that always makes Suzy feel a little dizzy. "If I'm not always perfectly and incandescently satisfied, have I wasted my life?"  
  
"No, I just..." She feels the burn of frustration but when she looks up she sees Brian watching her through his eyelashes, lips widening in a small smile, and she knows he's trying to bait her again, trying to find her limits, and there are so many more fucking interesting ways to do that, goddammit. "Are we playing this game?"  
  
"Is it a game?"  
  
"Apparently it is," she says before he can go off at the mouth again. "How was your Saturday and Sunday as compared to your Friday night, then?"  
  
Somehow she can trace the slow intensity of his stare, how it builds just a touch behind his irises, and it's a struggle to hold it but she manages. "Compared to Friday?" he asks slowly.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
He scoffs out a quick laugh. "Abysmal."  
  
She crosses her arms over her chest. "And why is that?"  
  
"I think you know why."  
  
"I think I wanna hear it."  
  
And because Brian doesn't back down from a challenge he steps toward her, chin lifting. "Well, it could've been any number of reasons, really."  
  
She lifts her chin right back. "Such as?"  
  
"Good company. Great food." He flicks his eyes over her face. "The tumultuous feeling of realizing something new but good about myself and my interests."  
  
She's not going to blush. She has a fantastic swath of makeup on that makes her look like a porcelain doll, but not even that could hide the embarrassment of a flush like that. "That sounds familiar."  
  
Brian lifts an eyebrow. "Does it?"  
  
"Mm-hmm." She takes a step forward and watches Brian sway back just a half-step. "Because it all sounds exactly like what I thought of Friday night."  
  
It's silent, but Suzy watches his chest rise and fall in a deep breath, slow and measured. "That sounds pretty egotistical, to say that about your own sandwiches," he says in a low tone.  
  
She flashes a grin. "Then you don't know me that well." She reaches out and plucks the coffee cup from his hand, takes a quick sip, and watches his eyes fall on the lipstick stain she left behind on the rim. "Would you like to?"  
  
Brian reaches to take the cup back, but his fingers brush over hers so deliberately that she feels unsettled again. The delicate game of playing back and forth, moving forward and stepping back, is something she hasn't played in years, and there's a taste of adrenaline through her veins as she holds Brian's eyes again. "Absolutely."  
  
Check. "When are you free?"  
  
He thinks. "I believe Danny and Arin have a date for Wednesday, don't they?"  
  
"Yep."  
  
"We could get together on Wednesday night? Dinner? Maybe a movie?"  
  
She considers, shifting her weight. "We can do that," she says slowly. "Are you against getting delivery?"  
  
Brian narrows his eyes with a smile. "Are you literally asking if we should Netflix and chill?"  
  
"Are you complaining?"  
  
He chuckles but shakes his head, eyes sparkling.  
  
Suzy feels the rush of success, of having an upper hand, and she drowns in it a little more than she should. "Arin asked Danny to come over to our house. So I think I should come over to yours."  
  
Brian grins at her, his cheeks dimpling. "All right." He reaches out and touches her chin, sets off a frisson of heat in her belly, and he lifts it just a touch higher as he leans in and drops his voice. "Seven o'clock on Wednesday?"  
  
For a moment she can't remember how to speak. She stares up at him, lips parted, before she nods. "Sounds good."  
  
"I'll see you then." And for just a moment he brushes his thumb over the curve of her chin before he moves past her.  
  
He fucking checkmated her. Asshole. And she hates that she likes him even more for it.  
  
~~  
  
She stands in the bathroom frowning down at the counter when Arin sweeps in to check his hair in the mirror. He blinks at her. "You all right?"  
  
"Mm?" She meets his eyes in the glass and remembers to smile a second too late. "No, yeah, I'm great."  
  
"Uh-huh." He wrinkles his brow even as he smiles, as he runs his fingers through his hair. "I can see that."  
  
She blinks back. "What?"  
  
"Nothing, you look cool as a cucumber."  
  
She stares at him, and then she scoffs and looks back down at the counter, at the items strewn across i. "Thanks, babe."  
  
Arin wraps his arms around her from behind and rests his chin on her shoulder. "Need some help?"  
  
It's a blessing to sink into his warmth for a moment before she sighs and picks up the three different loose condoms she's looking at, breezing past the vibrator and the lube. "I mean, I just, I don't...don't know which one to take, or if I should even bother, or like..."  
  
"I mean, you're already on birth control."  
  
She gives him a look. "Yeah, but I don't know Brian's sexual history, and the pill's not even one hundred percent effective, and I _really_ don't need to have that heart attack."  
  
"Fair enough." He kisses her cheek. "Do you even think they'd work for him?"  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
Arin grins. "I mean, I know it's a joke, but like, what if he really _does_ have a fucking huge dick? These are average-sized."  
  
"Oh shit." Suzy covers her face and whines. "Baby, I don't know if I'm ready for tonight."  
  
"Hey," he says warmly, kissing her cheek, and she melts against him a little more, lets the tension go. "You don't need to fuck him, you know that, right? You're just...you're hanging out to see how things go. You don't owe him anything."  
  
She's silent behind her hands, breathing in the thick and used air, before she whispers. "I _want_ to fuck him. A lot."  
  
A pause. "Okay. That's fine. But you don't have to do it tonight if you're anxious about it."  
  
She peeks over her fingers at Arin in the mirror, feeling the tightness in her chest. "You're not upset that I wanna fuck him?"  
  
Arin wrinkles his brow. "I'm...are you aware of the amount of times that I've fucked Danny?"  
  
"Besides that time I walked in on?" she asks dryly.  
  
Arin chuckles. "Sorry. Listen, the point is if I can fuck somebody else, then so can you. I'm not gonna be pissed about it."  
  
She hesitates. "Not even a little?"  
  
Arin looks away, lips still quirked into a smile. "Okay, yeah, if Brian doesn't fuck you like you deserve then I'm gonna beat the shit out of him, but besides that..."  
  
She can't help but stare at him, because he's so...he's just so... "You're so much better at this than I am," she finally manages in an odd sense of wonder.  
  
"Nah." He smiles at her. "Try me again in a couple of weeks. I mean, fuck, Suze, I'm riding high on this new relationship shit, and yeah, that makes everything a little less scary, but eventually it's gonna calm down and I'll have my own shit to work through. But...I mean, we'll do it together, like we always have."  
  
She smiles and turns her head to give him a kiss. "Yeah."  
  
Arin pulls her in for a deeper kiss, just enough to make her spine tingle in anticipation, before he grins at her. "If you're too embarrassed, I can go to the store and proudly ask them for a box of their extra large condoms."  
  
"Fuck you," she says affectionately as she pushes his face away and looks in the mirror one last time to smooth out her hair.  
  
When she finally arrives at Brian's apartment it's exactly like she imagined it would be - the welcome mat with the middle finger on it feels particularly Brian-like. She lingers outside, shifting her weight from heel to heel, before she finally takes a deep breath and straightens up and gives a firm knock.  
  
Brian answers it too quickly to be real, and her question is answered when he leans against the doorframe, grins, and says "Were you planning on waiting outside forever."  
  
He thinks he's checked her. She tilts her head. "Depends. What would have happened if I'd made you come after me?"  
  
Brian opens his mouth and shuts it again. Trying to gauge their boundaries? And since when does he give a shit? He settles on "You look lovely."  
  
She nudges her hair over her shoulder with a grin, feels it spills over her shoulders and back. "Thank you." And even with the burn in her veins she steps forward and catches his cheek with her hand. He hasn't shaved, but she didn't expect him to, and if anything she's anticipating the scrape of his stubble over her thighs. "You look hot."  
  
He chuckles and opens his mouth to say something, but freezes when she comes up on her tiptoes and brushes her lips over his. The expression that crosses his face is priceless, and for just a moment she feels like she's getting a glimpse of him when he was young and a little clueless, a little shy, before his confidence developed. It's a little addicting.  
  
When he doesn't reply right away, she feels the rush of her checkmate. "You up for Chinese?"  
  
Brian flicks his eyes over her face and nods, slowly smiling again. "Yeah, sure."  
  
"Sweet." She pats his cheek and moves past him, hears how it takes Brian a moment to shut the door behind her. "I'm buying."  
  
"Hey," he says, and when she turns her head he's got his arms crossed over his chest. "You don't have to do that."  
  
"Well, I'm not letting you buy me food," she teases as she perches on the arm of his couch and slides her shoes off. "Otherwise you're gonna think I put out on the first date just because I think I owe you something."  
  
Brian snorts into his laugh, shaking his head. "Christ, you don't pull punches, do you?"  
  
"Should I?" she asks, only half joking.  
  
"Well, I mean, I thought we could dance around each other awkwardly for a few hours and giggle like middle schoolers, but I guess your idea works too," he drawls.  
  
Suzy opens her phone to look up a nearby Chinese place that suits her tastes, but she pauses her scrolling when Brian sits on the couch next to her and rests his hand on the arm just behind her.  
  
"Can I ask you a question?" he finally says.  
  
She looks down at him. "Sure."  
  
"Are you being confident because you already know what you want, or are you faking it because you're nervous?"  
  
It takes her a few seconds to realize that her mouth has dropped open, that she's staring at him like a statue. Should she be surprised that he read her so quickly? This is Brian, after all. He's always been painfully perceptive, even if it's just regarding what will make someone twitch the fastest. But he doesn't look like he's trying to make her uncomfortable. She swallows thickly and tries to piece together her thoughts. "A little of both?"  
  
"Mm." He brushes his thumb over the fabric of the couch in a soft noise that draws her attention, keeps her from focusing on her nerves. "Would it help if we laid everything on the table about what we're open to sharing in this encounter?"  
  
She can't resist. She opens her purse and leans forward and places the freshly purchased box of condoms on the coffee table and studies his expression as he realizes what it is.  
  
Silence. "I can't believe you took that literally."  
  
She grins at him. "Can you blame me?"  
  
He exhales sharply and picks up the box, studying it. His brows are furrowed and his focus is intense and she feels the dizzying stir of nerves and excitement twisting together in her stomach. As she runs her eyes over his face she can practically feel the tug trying to pull her toward him.  
  
Brian meets her eyes again and rotates the box in his hands. "I think you're very beautiful," he says slowly, and when he reaches a tentative hand toward her she takes it, lets him lace their fingers loosely and examine their hands. "You're sweet. Kind. Incredible. You make me laugh. And I'm...fascinated by you."  
  
She runs her thumb slowly up the back of his hand and watches his eyelashes flutter just a touch. "Have you wanted me for a while?"  
  
Brian breathes a laugh. "I mean, I'm pretty convinced there isn't a person alive who doesn't want you, but...no, I didn't fixate, if that's what you mean." He glances up. "I try not to make it a habit, fixating on people who I'd never have a chance with."  
  
She grins. "So what do _you_ want from tonight?"  
  
He shrugs. "Wanna get to know you. Ease our way in." He drops the condoms and holds her hand between both of his. Her hand is practically swallowed in his. "I'm not looking for anything serious right now."  
  
"Me neither," she's quick to say.  
  
He squeezes her hand. "So you wanna just see how things go?"  
  
"Perfect."  
  
It's easier than it should be to slide off the couch arm and into Brian's lap, but she doesn't think he was expecting it, not with the way his eyes widen. He hesitates, hands hovering, until Suzy takes them and puts them on her waist. Brian flicks his eyes up to meet hers and his lips are parted.  
  
They're still parted when she leans in to kiss him.  
  
Kissing Brian is just as dizzying as she remembers. She keeps it gentle, parts his lips further and traces her tongue over them in invitation, but his only response is a soft hum as he squeezes her waist. They're slow. Relaxed. Suzy tilts her head a little more to deepen the kiss and feels a tingle through her every muscle. It's like waking up from a beautiful deep sleep, and she can't resist the urge to stretch, arch her back, shift her hips, and Brian gasps against her mouth, hands sliding down to her hips to hold her still.  
  
She breaks the kiss but hovers close, their breaths intermingling, their lips still in the barest contact. "Oh," she murmurs, "I'm sorry, did I rub against your dick?"  
  
Brian narrows his eyes, still breathing heavy against her mouth. He stays silent.  
  
"My bad," she whispers.  
  
He shakes his head in wonder as one of his hands moves firmly up her back, straight up her spine, and he twists his hand to rub his thumb over the clasp of her bra just before he cups the back of her head and pulls her down to kiss him again.  
  
Now this, this feels more like kissing with deliberate intent. His fingers sink into her hair and she shivers at the tingle over her scalp, murmurs against his mouth. He hums in response and kisses her all the deeper, the bastard. It feels so unsteady, straddling him like this, and she loops an arm around his shoulders and presses her other palm flat against the wall, and when she leans in and presses her tits against his chest she feels his hips roll ever so slightly.  
  
Her shockingly quiet mind speaks up then to politely inform her that they're very quickly turning into a car going down a hill with no brakes, and she just as politely tells her mind to shut the fuck up.  
  
Brian's the one to break the kiss this time. "Is this okay?"  
  
"Fuck yeah," she whispers as she surges forward to chase his lips, and he welcomes her there. Fuck, she's so used to being the dominant one, but it feels like an even exchange with Brian, like they're both fighting for the power. It sends a rush of electricity through her, and when she shifts her weight to get closer she can feel how wet she already is.  
  
Motherfucker. He's barely put his hands on her and she's soaked through like a fucking virgin.  
  
It's agony when her mind speaks up and reminds her that she didn't get verbal clearance from Brian either, that this...it's not a scene, precisely, but she can feel him hard, he can probably feel how hot she is, they're clearly charging for something heavier. She whines as she breaks the kiss again. "Wait, it's okay for you too, right?"  
  
"Absolutely," Brian says, nuzzling at her neck.  
  
"What if I wanna fuck you?"  
  
"I mean, I don't have a strap-on, but-"  
  
She squeaks and digs her fingers into his shoulder, letting out a surprised laugh. "Oh my God, you did not just say that."  
  
"What?" His eyelashes tickle over the sensitive skin of her neck and she gasps, pressing their hips together. "You said you wanted to fuck me."  
  
"I-I meant, I meant I wanted us to fuck, not..." She lets out a sharp breath. "Holy fuck, Brian, rain check on the strap-on. I'll bring one next time."  
  
"Next time, huh?" His voice is rough and low and so fucking distracting, so much so that she doesn't realize they're grinding against each other until she feels every little nerve in her vulva sing out from the contact. "Already planning ahead?"  
  
She hums. "How do you like it, Brian? Thick? Nice and deep?"  
  
"Fuck," he breathes, pressing a kiss against her neck and making her hips twitch. "Fuck yeah."  
  
"I've got a nice thick hot pink cock I can fuck you with," she practically sings out. "You'd look fucking pretty on your hands and knees, wouldn't you?"  
  
He grins, lips pulling taut against her skin. "You'll have to find out, won't you?"  
  
"Absolutely," she says with another giggle before she reaches and presses him closer to her neck.  
  
Brian doesn't shy away from instruction. He's a studious man, a quick learner, and he immediately tastes her skin with his tongue, then worries it between his teeth, and that's enough to make a shock shoot straight down her spine. "Tell me what you like," he says, lips brushing over her skin.  
  
"That," she says just as quickly, "just like that-"  
  
"Yeah?" His arms tighten around her, make her feel more secure in his lap, like there's no way that he'd ever let her fall, and she lets out a low noise when he bites her again, when he sucks a mark into her skin. She can feel her muscles bunching up as he sucks, as he shifts to a new area and begins again, and only when she's shaking with tension does he let up, and she barely has a moment to shiver into looseness before he's finding her mouth with his again.  
  
Her hands are at such odd ends, wanting to grab his shirt for dear life, wanting to cup his cheeks and guide him into the kissing rhythm she wants, but they end up ignoring both of those options and going straight for her hem instead. Brian makes a curious sound and leans back when she pulls her shirt up, and she accidentally catches his chin with her knuckles while she's whipping it over her head. "Fuck, I'm sorry," she says, still breathless, but he's already chuckling and shaking his head and pulling her back in while he presses his fingers into her bare back.  
  
Did that even hurt him? Did he even notice?  
  
When his hand brushes over the clasp of her bra she hums and kisses him deeper, and he loosens it admirably well. Positives of being old include more experience with the messy bits of sex, she decides, then smiles against his mouth.  
  
"What are you smiling about?" he teases, running his fingers along one of her ribs.  
  
She grins, pressing their foreheads together. "You're old."  
  
His eyebrows lift. "Oh yeah?"  
  
"Mm-hmm." Suzy drags her nails through his salt-and-pepper hair and watches his eyelashes flutter. "Old as fuck."  
  
Brian grins, and his eyes have a dangerous sort of sparkle that makes her wonder if she's going to regret saying that later. "Are you complaining?"  
  
"Not yet," she fires back, "but I reserve the right to change my mind."  
  
"Mmm." He quirks a brow. "Then I reserve the right to keep you from changing it."  
  
She wiggles out of his arms with an incorrigible smirk and drops back flat on the couch, hair pooling under her, still wrapped up in her jeans and a bra that's barely staying in place, and Brian rakes his eyes over her with parted lips and a softly audible sigh. And since he seems like he's waiting for permission Suzy lifts her hand and waves him down toward her with a single finger.  
  
Brian slides to his knees on the floor and stands on them next to her. "You have such pretty taste," he says as he fingers the lace bordering the top of her bra.  
  
"Dude, you're already gonna get laid today." He looks so serious above her, so intent, and she half-wishes he would go ahead and climb on top of her, take things at such a thunderous pace that she can forget her nerves, her anxiety. "You don't have to keep complimenting me."  
  
He meets her eyes with a wrinkled brow. "Dude," he repeats mockingly, "I don't care if I get laid, you look good as fuck. God. I mean, have you seen yourself?"  
  
Honestly all she can focus on is Brian's finger finally brushing along the heated skin of her breast just above her bra, but that's not exactly unexpected. "I modeled. Guess it sort of just seems less remarkable after that. Especially after you gain weight."  
  
He clearly catches the tone on her voice and he looks up, cups her cheek with his other hand, and looks very serious. "You are possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. And I'm not just saying that."  
  
She knows he's sincere and she knows he means it. It does honestly put a slight balm on the part of her that misses when she was practically a twig, but it doesn't fix it. But that's okay. It's not supposed to and she knows that. Learning to love herself again is one step at a time, and she's finally getting back to where she wants to be.  
  
She wiggles on the couch until she can shrug out of her bra and can't help but grin when Brian's eyes land on her tits and stay there. But he doesn't reach out and touch right away and it makes her nervous again, so she bites her lip and arches her back. "Well?"  
  
He glances up. "I have your permission?"  
  
The laugh she makes sounds a little more nervous than she likes. "You have my permission to pick me up and fuck me against a wall, Brian, c'mon."  
  
"Man, you are _really_ wanting to get to the fucking, aren't you?" He quirks a brow. "You have something against foreplay?"  
  
They're losing the momentum and she hates it. They're gonna come thundering to a stop anytime now and it's gonna be her fault, fuck. Arin can just sweep in and make a guy curious about having a gay experience, but she can't even get a straight guy to fuck her. How fucked up is that? She flicks her eyes around the room, trying to piece together something helpful to say. "I don't know, I...no, I-I don't have anything against it, I just-"  
  
This time when Brian touches her cheek he brushes her thumb over her skin and she forces herself to meet his eyes, hopes hers aren't too wide and nervous. "Hey. You still on board with this or would you rather stop?"  
  
No, she doesn't want to stop, she knows that much. She shakes her head. "I want it."  
  
"You sure?"  
  
"Mm-hmm. Fully green here."  
  
Brian's eyes flicker at the use of the color, and she wonders for a moment if he has any experience with doing scenes, knows she would be surprised if he _didn't,_ really. "Okay. Then is it all right with you if I go at my own pace?"  
  
At the very least it sounds intriguing. Besides, how can she fuck it up if Brian's the one in charge of the pace?  
  
It's pretty obvious immediately that she might have made a very costly mistake if only because of how fucking teasing Brian is with her tits. Arin, bless him, he's in love with them, and that means he's more likely to dive straight into them rather than make her suffer while he takes him time exploring. Not Brian, apparently. He traces the smooth skin with one of his thumbs, then brushes over one of her hard nipples. She tries to figure out if it'll be a bigger mistake to let on how sensitive her nipples are, but her body makes the decision for her when a thrum shoots through her pussy and draws a unexpected gasp from her.  
  
He meets her eyes and stares at her very intently for a few silent seconds before he rolls her nipple between his fingers, and she can't resist the way her legs jump, how she squeezes her thighs together. "Sensitive?" he asks.  
  
"No," she shoots back.  
  
He cocks a brow. Rolls his fingers again. She squeaks and arches her back and gets to watch the very minute quirking of Brian's lips as he resists smiling. "How do you feel about being restrained?" he asks, tilting his head.  
  
What she feels is the slickness between her legs. "I like it."  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Mm-hmm," she says with a nod.  
  
"Excellent." He tugs her down the couch with his fingers in her belt loops until her legs are draped over the couch arm with her pussy pressed hard against it - fuck, she's a sucker for grinding, for pressure all over every inch of her pussy lips - and collects her wrists. The second her wrists are pressed into the couch above her head, he dips down and takes her nipple in his mouth.  
  
Suzy squeaks again and tries to thrash, but he has her arms held tightly and the movement of her legs just grinds her down even harder. "Brian!"  
  
He hums in question against her skin and meets her eyes as he lathes his tongue over her nipple.  
  
"Fuck you." That's all she manages but it has enough fervor behind it to make him smile. Bastard.  
  
What she doesn't realize is that he apparently doesn't intend to look away. No, he holds her eyes as he teases just the tip of his tongue over her breast, as he gently worries his teeth into the less sensitive skin, as he circles her nipple and sucks it into his mouth, and fuck, but every single thing makes her gasp and moan and shiver under his ministrations. She can feel the building, aching tension under her skin with every second that their eyes stay locked.  
  
She's blushing, fuck. She hates blushing unless she's deliberately trying to seem coquettish for a skit or a shoot. It almost feels humiliating, Brian watching her so closely as he lays her out like this, taking his time with breaking her into little pieces.  
  
Why does that make her feel even more turned on?  
  
As his free hand gets into the mix and starts working at her other nipple she can't keep herself from bucking against the couch arm, from feeling almost frenzied, and she realizes with a shock that she's, oh fuck, she's- "Oh my God Brian I'm really fucking close-"  
  
And he pulls off like he never touched her in the first place and leaves her whining as she arches her back in frustration.  
  
She could keep going. She could grind just a few more times against this couch arm and-  
  
"Hey, calm down," Brian says firmly, touching a hand to her hip, and she whimpers and turns her head to hide her face against the back of the couch. "You can hold out a little longer, can't you?"  
  
She's shivering, she realizes, either from being suddenly chilled with sweat or from being overwhelmed. "Fuck you," she manages even if it's muffled.  
  
He's laughing at her, she realizes. Fucking laughing. What a bastard. She peeks out at him with betrayed eyes and tries to hate his smile. "No, not today, I don't think."  
  
Bastard! He's such a bastard! "I hate you."  
  
"No, yeah, I can tell, I can't smell your arousal at all."  
  
Her cheeks flush even darker. "Tell me you're kidding."  
  
He grins and trails his fingers over her thigh, in between them, so tantalizingly close. "You're literally boiling my hand alive right now with how hot you are."  
  
Suzy huffs and stares at the ceiling, and he lets her wrists go. She brings them down and covers her chest . She can still feel the slickness from his tongue on her swollen, red nipple, and somehow that flusters her even further. What is she, a virgin? Is this how it is with every new partner, she wonders, or is it just a fluke with Brian?  
  
His fingers are at the button of her jeans, she realizes, and her heart flutters in excitement again. "Can I go down on you?" he asks.  
  
Such a fucking gentleman, God, she hates him, what a jerk, UGH. "I would love that." He makes quick work of her button and zipper while she watches, and when he's gently lifting her hips so she can wiggle out of her jeans she has an idea. She rolls over and reaches for her purse on the floor. By the time she pulls out the object she was looking for Brian has his fingers looped into her panties, and he stops to stare. "So I didn't bring a strap-on," she says, studiously not looking at him, "but I did bring something else."  
  
"Is that a vibrator?" he asks, blinking.  
  
"Absolutely." A long, slender vibrator, simple and neat without any complicated attachments or bumps or crannies. Gets the job done well enough. She offers it to him and Brian takes it, fingers brushing over hers, examining it. When he turns the bottom of it and it begins to shake in his hands he smiles. "You like?"  
  
"Absolutely," he repeats, teasing her.  
  
He doesn't waste time. He presses it against her through her panties and she immediately twitches, gasps, bears down on it as hard as she can. "Fuck-" She throws her head back and cries out, and what's her reward for being a little sexpot? Brian immediately pulling the vibrator away. "You're a fucking bastard!" she shouts because who the fuck cares if the neighbors hear?  
  
"Aren't I?" Brian teases. He doesn't sound the least bit sorry. No, instead he peels off her panties, and she tries to figure out if giving him just the tiniest little kick in the jaw would be a bad idea or not. She settles on not. For now. He coaxes her to sit up and pulls her legs over his shoulders so she's at a rather awkward angle, and he's even kind enough to allow her to grab one of his pillows on the couch and tuck it under the small of her back. Much better.  
  
Brian trails his fingers through the finely trimmed soft hairs that he sees, then over her swollen lips. He parts them gently, eyes running over her. It's enough to make her blush again as he stares. "Do you like what you see?" she asks.  
  
"Mm." He nods. "You are literally about to start dripping on my couch."  
  
"So get it cleaned."  
  
He locks eyes with her again and this time she feels pretty confident about holding them, about daring him to sass her back, but she realizes her mistake when he starts dipping his head. Is this how Brian prefers to punish sass? Just ruin their fucking lives with his mouth?  
  
Yeah, that's, that's apparently a yeah. He takes a long, hungry lick up her pussy and Suzy tips her head back and lets out a shivery moan. Okay. This...this is fine. This is not overwhelming at all. Neither is when he lathes the tip of his tongue through her inner folds. Neither is when he sucks her clit between his lips, the motherfucker.  
  
No, nothing is overwhelming, and her groans and cries are not an indication of anything important at all.  
  
She's not convincing herself in the slightest.  
  
Brian eats her out like he's been fucking dreaming about it, like he's been watching her for months now wanting to get a taste of her. She doesn't know how often he gets laid but apparently he hasn't forgotten a second of whatever he learned to do nor is he the least bit rusty. No, he's determined. He's devouring her like a man who has an itemized list of the exact sounds he wants her to make, like he's doing experiment after experiment to see what really gets her going.  
  
Fucking scientist. Fucking PHD. Fucking Brian Wecht.  
  
She expects his middle finger when it circles her opening and gathers up both her slickness and his own saliva before he pushes inside, but she isn't expecting quite how thick his fingers are. God, they must be fucking well manicured too - there isn't a single scratch of rough skin or long nails, just the gradual stretch that she's so fond of. She squeezes her muscles around his finger and he groans against her clit, and it starts off a feedback loop of her bucking against his face and him fucking his finger deeper inside of her that's impossible to resist.  
  
There's a second finger as he laps at her clit, quick flicks over the almost oversensitized muscle that makes her arch before he backs off and sucks at her inner labia instead. Fuck, how can he read her so perfectly? How does he know how to back off just before it becomes too much? How does he know how to curl his fingers and make her shiver around him?  
  
She's almost certain he's forgotten the vibrator, but then he's pulling his fingers free and backing off and there's the cool touch of the silicone against her overheated pussy, and he turns it on the lowest setting as he trails it up and down. She has to be dripping all over it, has to be slicking it up perfectly. The vibrations against her beautifully tormented muscles is fucking perfect too, exactly what she wants, and she feels pathetically close to the edge again, lets out a litany of moans, and finally, finally...finally feels Brian pull the vibrator away from her clit when she's nearly about to tip into orgasm.  
  
"You're a motherfucker," she gasps out, and Brian grins up at her with slick lips and flushed cheeks and swelling pupils that look ready to take over his eyes for good.  
  
And then he eases the vibrator inside of her and she bucks with a squeak.  
  
It's a different feeling, not quite as intense as it was on her clit or her labia, but fuck, it's fucking good. He works it slowly and deliberately with shallow thrusts, making sure she's stretching around it perfectly, that she isn't feeling any pain, and she moves her hips with him to press it even further inside. "God, fuck yeah," she whispers as she closes her eyes and tilts her head back, "fuck me, c'mon, fuck me, Brian-"  
  
He turns the vibrator a setting higher and melts her words into a long groan.  
  
It's like he can fucking read her mind again, that he can feel how it's the movement inside of her that gets her going, not quite the depth, and he keeps up a steady thrusting rhythm that even her slightly frantic mind can grasp, that she can move with. She's making the most embarrassing sounds and she doesn't give a shit.  
  
"You're fucking exquisite," he murmurs, voice low and husky and rough, and she twists to press her forearm over her eyes. "So fucking gorgeous."  
  
"Want you to fuck me so bad," she gasps out in response and keens when he shifts the angle of the vibrator and turns it just a touch higher.  
  
"Next time." And then his mouth is on her again.  
  
Suzy sinks her fingers into his hair this time as he maintains the thrusts of the vibrator, as he locks onto her clit, and she holds him right where she wants him and doesn't feel the least bit bad about grinding against his face. "Yeah, right there, right there," she repeats senselessly, focused on the rapid press of his tongue and the shake of the vibrator inside of her and the way she's already starting to clench around it. "Oh my God, don't stop, don't you fucking-" And as he turns the vibrator to the highest level and presses it deep inside of her and sucks at her clit she nearly screams, clamps her thighs around his face and arches her back and holds him so he can't move, so he can't breathe, so all he can do is suck like his life depends on it.  
  
She shakes there until she can't stand it anymore and she pulls him sharply away by the hair, hears him take a sharp gasp of air and pull the vibrator out of her and turn it off before he buries his face in her stomach. She keeps him there for a moment, legs still over his shoulders, before she whines and tugs at his sleeve until he crawls onto the couch with her. Only when she's tucked into his lap and has her face buried in his neck does she quiet down again.  
  
Fuck, she's shaking. She can still feel her pussy spasming. Brian's hands are warm as they smooth down her back, calm her down, and the kisses he presses on her hair are so disgustingly sweet and tender that she feels her heart flutter.  
  
"I need to get you off," she finally manages.  
  
Brian laughs softly and hugs her a little tighter. "Your words are literally slurring," he says. "I'm convinced you're about to fall asleep right here."  
  
"N-no."  
  
"Uh-huh, that sounded convincing."  
  
She lets out a low murmur and reaches between them where she can grope his hardness through his jeans, but he shushes her and tucks her arms against his chest again, and this time she stays.  
  
"Are you tired?" he asks. "Do you want a nap?"  
  
She is fucking wiped out from all the nerves and that ridiculous orgasm combined, but putting that into words seems silly. She finally nods.  
  
He chuckles again. "You're so fucking cute, oh my God." He lays her on the couch, and when she shivers he disappears into the hallway and comes back with a blanket that he drapes over her. She's drifting and distantly aware of the sounds of him cleaning her vibrator, of him pouring a glass of water, and she opens her eyes again when his shadow appears before her. Takes the water that's offered and drinks half of it down in one long series of gulps. "Thirsty?"  
  
She hums and sets the cup on the coffee table with a heavy sigh. Brian stays where he's kneeling in front of her, watching her, and she runs a hand through her hair - it's probably ruined by now anyway, so she doesn't give a shit. "Wanted you to fuck me," she finally manages.  
  
Brian smiles. "Just because we're keeping it casual doesn't mean this has to be a one time thing, Suze."  
  
"No, I mean..." She hides her face behind her hands, only leaves her mouth exposed. "I wanted you to fuck me so I could just. Stop being nervous."  
  
He tilts his head. "Did I make you nervous?"  
  
She tries to analyze his tone and eventually decides that he doesn't mean it teasingly or jokingly, that he's sincere, and she shakes her head. "I made myself nervous. Because Arin and Danny are off having this big romantic relationship, and as far as I know all I want from you is friendship and sex."  
  
"No romance?"  
  
"No romance."  
  
Suzy expects Brian to be pissed, but when she glances between the cracks in her fingers he shrugs. "I'm okay with that. Why? Did you think I wouldn't be?"  
  
She smiles sardonically. "Do you even know how much of a stereotype that is? The slutty girl just going after all the sex she can get?"  
  
Brian clicks his tongue and reaches out, takes her hands down from her face, laces their fingers together. "More like the married woman who is maybe content with all the romance she has from her husband and who's curiously looking for more sexual experiences and a break from unexpected loneliness while her husband learns how to divide his time between his two partners."  
  
She watches him. Feels her heart beat a little faster. "And you think that's okay?"  
  
He scoffs. "Heaven forbid a happy couple consents to each of them pursuing new experiences. Heaven forbid those experiences be different from what the other is doing."  
  
Suzy finally lets her eyes fall to the floor and squishes her toes into the carpet. It's odd, but even here under his eyes she doesn't feel the least bit exposed even if she is completely naked. It feels...safe, being honest with him, feeling Brian assuage her worries. It's not everything and it's not perfect, but maybe that's okay. Maybe, just like her feelings about how her body is changing, she needs to take the time to think hard about these things and come to her own conclusions, learn to love herself and her desires rather than expect them to perfectly reflect the outdated opinions of the world.  
  
She sighs. Picks up her phone and opens her browser. "Still up for Chinese?"  
  
"Absolutely." He sits next to her on the couch and puts an arm around her shoulders so he can see the menu she opens up. "Are you averse to cuddling at all?"  
  
She responds by wiggling into him and wrapping the blanket around them both while he chuckles and kisses the top of her head. Perfect.


End file.
